If aliens arrived tomorrow, what’s the first thing you’d ask them?
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If aliens arrived tomorrow, humanity would handle it with the grace and composure we bring to everything. Scientists would panic in lab coats, governments would schedule an emergency meeting that could have been an email, and someone’s uncle would already be posting that he “predicted it” in 2014.
Everyone would have a question ready. Mine would be: “Have you come to save the planet from humans.”
Sure, “How did you cross the galaxy?” is nice, but I’d rather skip to the part where I find out if I should start packing. It’s the cosmic equivalent of a student asking the teacher, “So, are we getting a lot of homework?”
Notice what the question admits, though. Out of every possible reason to visit, I jumped straight to “you’re here about us, aren’t you?” That’s a species with a guilty conscience. A ship lands and we don’t think “tourism” or “trade deal.” We think “oh no, they’ve seen the group chat.”
And honestly, can you blame us? Imagine being the visitors. You fly light-years, finally spot a gorgeous blue planet, and it turns out the dominant species has put plastic in the ocean, argued about whether the weather is real, and invented a sport where people chase a ball for ninety minutes and then sometimes it’s a draw. You’d have questions too. Possibly a strongly worded report.
If they said yes, I’d negotiate. “Save the planet from us” and “save the planet with us” are very different mission statements, and I’d like to see the fine print. I’d also point out that we’ve got some good stuff: burgers, WhatsApp, the invention of the snooze button, reviving species that we were the cause of them going extinct, develop medicines for many diseases we are responsible for……Surely that counts for something.
And if they said no, if they just came for a visit, I’d feel enormously relieved for about four seconds. Then I’d realize we’d have to host. We’d have to clean up, and that’s somehow scarier than the verdict.
So that’s my question. I’d ask it nervously, listen carefully, and quietly start recycling just in case they were taking notes.
